Profilectlx.Carlene Tan Li Xuan 11th July 1988. Currently 23+. Studied in St. Anthony's Canossian Primary and Secondary School, SRJC (first 3 months), TPJC, NUS FASS (econs). loves family, friends, chocs, western desserts, yellow, etc etc.
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Saturday, October 30, 2004Welcome to my lifeDo you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don’t belong And no one understands you Do you ever wanna run away? Do you lock yourself in your room? With the radio on turned up so loud That no one hears you screaming No you don’t know what it’s like When nothing feels alright You don’t know what it’s like to be like me To be hurtTo feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked When you’re down To feel like you’ve been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one’s there to save you No you don’t know what it’s like Welcome to my life Are you stuck inside a world you hate? Are you sick of everyone around? With the big fake smiles and stupid lies While deep inside you’re bleeding No you don’t know what it’s like When nothing feels alright You don’t know what it’s like to be like me To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked When you’re down To feel like you’ve been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one’s there to save you No you don’t know what it’s like Welcome to my life No one ever lied straight to your face And no one ever stabbed you in the back You might think I’m happy But I’m not gonna be ok! Everybody always gave you what you wanted You never had to work it was always there You don’t know what it’s like What it’s like! To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked When you’re down To feel like you’ve been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one’s there to save you No you don’t know what it’s like (what it's like) To be hurtTo feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked When you’re downTo feel like you’ve been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one’s there to save you No you don’t know what it’s like Welcome to my life Welcome to my life Welcome to my life Predictable Something isn't right I can feel it again feel it again This isn't the first time That you left me waiting Sad excuses and false hopes high I saw this coming still I don't know why I let you in I knew it all along Your so predictable I knew something would go wrong So you don't have to call Or say anything at all So predictable So take your empty words your broken promises And all the time you stole cause I am done with this I can give it away give it away I'm doin everything I should've And now I'm makin a change I'm living the day I'm giving back what you gave me I don't need anything I knew it all along So predictable I knew something would go wrong So you don't have to call Or say anything at all So predictable Everywhere I go Everyone I meet Every time I try to fall in love They all want to know why I'm so broken Why I'm so cold Why I'm so hard inside. Why am I scared What am I afraid of I don't even know This story's never had an end I've been waiting I've been searching I've been hoping I've been dreaming u would come back But I know the ending of this story Ur never coming back Never..never..never..never..... I knew it all along Your so predictable I knew something would go wrong So you don't have to call Or say anything at all So predictable Everywhere I go for the rest of my life Everyone that I love Everyone I care about They're all gonna wanna know what's wrong with me And I know what it is I'm ending this right now.. Dear Diary, i finally mastered the skill of having a "poker face". isn't that great? nobody could tell how i was actually feeling inside. well maybe because i choose not to show, but ya. i was talking to si hui today and i told her i had to be independent. i really wondered if i could do it, and if i could not, who could i turn to. i didn't even turn to my dearest unswornie swornie sister because i didn't want any of my bestest buddies to be affected by how i'm feeling. i was really lost because i really had no idea who i could really turn to. and after talking to si hui today, i found myself to be a fool cause i realise how silly i was to treasure that person when she didn't even cherish me. how dumb of me, can you believe it, i actually treasure a person whom hardly cared about my existence. maybe its because i'm the sunshine girl whom people think i have nothing to worry about, or maybe that person really doesn't care. i don't know, do i really look that happy go lucky to everyone. i feel so stupid having to cherish the wrong person and now, i find myself alone and have no one to lean on. but then again, at least there's my koala bear. okay better don't say anymore, later she say i muchy. i don't get it, how do you define mushiness... hm... oh ya! and i won a dollar from si hui because of... hehe... better not say, later she punch me... ;) oh right, come ti think of it, i haven't said why i was upset. wait, did i even mention i'm upset cause i am. i'm freaking worried for my family cause we're just probably gonna go bankrupt soon. i wonder how many checks have been rejected cause there just wasn't even money. i wonder why my dad even bought a new computer when we're already at our dead ends. i wonder how long my mum's savings are gonna last us, and she's still thinking of putting my sis and me through this intensive music theory thing so we can sit for the theory paper in march. don't you think she's insane? everyday i can't help but think when we'll ever go dry. before i eat i've gotta think of whether this is considered wasting money or not. and my mum just doesn't want me to work. why? urgh!!! oh and you know what i discovered about myself today after talking to si hui? i realise i'm not nice. i'm mean and evil. i'm selfish, i'm someone totally bad. argh!!! i'm just so freaking puzzled at myself i feel like jumping off right now... haish, but anyway, thank goodness school's over, at least now i've got all the time to get over these silly stuff my lil brain thinks about. jeez. but anyhow i still gotta pray for the people around me, so i think the song below really protrays what i wanna say. I'm just the same as you I could be the same age too Do the same music you do Everyday No matter what separates us The same stars we see at night No matter what suffers against us Still gonna have dream burning right I believe we fear what we don't know, we can be our own enemy But if we concord and If you took my hand I see a girl you see a man Everybody has the same dream A dream in their heart Get a chance to make a life Love somebody they won't Open your eyes we're all the same We won't be scared So let's sing together now Na na na na In this Universal Prayer Oh oh … na na na na I see the smoking light That complicates a simple life I'm here and you are there Miles away All you gotta do is believe That anything you want you can reach There's no limit to what we could be So open your mind And set yourself free I believe we fear what we don't know, we can be our own enemy But if we concord and If you took my hand I see a girl you see a man Everybody has the same dream A dream in their heart Get a chance to make a life Love somebody they won't Open your eyes we're all the same We won't be scared So let's sing together now Na na na na In this Universal Prayer And in this dream I have at night That I don't understand the world at all You might be right but it seems to me That we've come to fight to far Cause I believe that fears I try to save our souls And hardest time will come And all this pain will go So try to understand The precious things I've said Every woman every man Oh oh … na na na na Everybody has the same dream A dream in their heart Get a chance to make a life Love somebody they won't Open your eyes we're all the same We won't be scared So let's sing together now Na na na na In this Universal Prayer Everybody has the same dream A dream in their heart Get a chance to make a life Love somebody they won't Open your eyes we're all the same We won't be scared So let's sing together now Na na na na In this Universal Prayer Oh oh … na na na na Saturday, October 23, 2004Prerogative - Britney SpearsPeople can take everything away from you But they can never take away your truth But the question is Can you handle mine? They say I'm Crazy I really don't care That's my prerogative They say I'm nasty But I dont give a damn Getting boys is how i live So many questions Why am I so real? But they don't understand me I really don't know the deal about my sister Trying hard to make it right Not long ago, before I won this fight Everybody's talking all this stuff about me Why don't they just let me live Tell me why I don't need permission make my own decisions that's my prerogative oh it's my prerogative It's my prerogative.. It's the way I want to live It's my prerogative.. You can't tell me what to do Don't get me wrong I'm really not souped Ego trips is not my thing All these strange relationships Really gets me down see nothing wrong with Spreading myself around Everybody's talking all this stuff about me Why don't they just let me live Tell me why I don't need permission make my own decisions that's my prerogative Everybody's talking all this stuff about me Why don't they just let me live Tell me why I don't need permission make my own decisions that's my prerogative It's the way I want to live It's my prerogative You can't tell me what to do Why can't I live my life? Without all of the things that people say Oh Everybody's talking all this stuff about me Why don't they just let me live Tell me why I don't need permission make my own decisions that's my prerogative (They say I'm crazy) Everybody's talking all this stuff about me Why don't they just let me live Tell me why (They say I'm nasty) I don't need permission make my own decisions that's my prerogative It's my prerogative i like this song... wierd right, i kinda found it sick at first but then after hearing it a few more times, i kinda got addicted to the song... jeez... oh anyway... this is crap, o'levels are so coming and i'm so not suppose to be here... and my chem prac totally sucked... i'm so gonna fail it... man, depressed till i couldn't cry... argh... oh and i'm starting to get really anooyed with some people but haish,,, shall "ren"... but anyway just wanted those who'd gotten back their results to know that all's not lost... you can always work harder ya... smile okay? good... take care everyone... especially the sec 4s! Monday, October 18, 2004great, amanda pang is just showing me some pictures which erm... she claims to be creepy but i don't see why... sheesh... oh well, i'm just feeling a sense of nostalgia... so ya, just wanted some people to know some things...to the singa peeps(if anyone ever reads it) : i miss you people!!! can't wait for o'levels to be over so that i can meet you all again!!! erm... ya, just wanna let you people know that i really cherish this friendship with you people... and ya... see you all soon!!! to my dearest bestest buddies : thanks for always being there, think i siad this close to a million times but ya, just gotta reinforce this cause ya, i'm feeling nostalgic remember? hehe... yup yup, oh ya! and to my long lost friends! man, if there's anyway you all can contact me, pls do so... like vanessa! i'm elated to have you found me... let's keep in contact k... we must have changed tremendously throughout the years... can't wait for us to meet up again... well gotta ciao now, my sis is throwing her tantrum, gosh, think i needn't sleep tonight cause i'm gonna have a housefly sleeping below me... haish... god bless all! *muacks! Tuesday, October 12, 2004S CLUB 7 - Have You Ever LyricsSometimes it's wrong to walk away, though you think it's over Knowing there's so much more to say Suddenly the moment's gone And all your dreams are upside down And you just wanna change the way the world goes round Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby Have you ever felt your heart was breaking Lookin down the road you should be taking I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let you go Can't help but think that this is wrong, we should be together Back in your arms where I belong Now I've finally realised it was forever that I've found I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby Have you ever felt your heart was breaking Lookin down the road you should be taking I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let you go I really wanna hear you say that you know just how it feels To have it all and let it slip away, can't you see Even though the moment's gone, I'm still holding on somehow Wishing I could change the way the world goes round Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry (I'm sorry) Can't you see, (ohhh) that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby Have you ever felt your heart was breaking Lookin down the road you should be taking I should know, (I should know) cos I loved and lost the day I let Yes I loved and lost the day I let Yes I loved and lost the day I let you go Nice song eh? hehe... well, this song just popped out of my mind suddenly so i decided to post it... hehe... i've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately... i wonder what's up with me, but then i realise that during this period of hard thinking, i finally know who are my real true friends(i'm kinda slow on that ya.. haha). I found myself to be quite a joke cause those people i so dearly hang on to turn out to be the people i can't rely on, and instead there are people whose always been there for me, but i never did consider them my hard core friends, and no, i finally know. Do you remember, there was this period of time i found so hard to let go, do you know i'm still feeling the effect of it, the effect of watching and then being hurt real painful but not showing it... it really hurts. i wished this year had never come, i wish thing were the way they were last year, i wanna be that innocent, unidentified person whom no one knows, i'd rather so much be that way, at least i won't get hurt, at least i won't have to grow up so fast. but no, reality still sets in... haish... i wonder when the pain will go away. i can't stop thinking why some people do things the way they do, do they do it to spite me? or is it just natural? i'd rather believe the second. anyway i think i'm giving up, i'm losing too much energy a day, i really wonder what kinda strength will pull me through. i'm glad i still have my true friends with me, though not many but deifnitely treasurable. pls do always be there for me, the way i would always stand by you peeps no matter what. promise. now i'm so sick of you, so sick, i wonder what's wrong, i wonder and wonder what happened, now, i just wanna leave and go away, i wish i'd never known you. why do you affect me so much, why do you have to do this over and over again. how do you want me to trust you? why is it always you that hurt me so much, can't you understand or at least try to look on a different side of things? no you can't, because you're just you and you won't do anything that'll hurt you, and you're not me, you won't go all out to try and make someone happy but suffer yourself. why can't i be like you so that i won't have to be hurt the way i'm hurting now. why did you come into my life. i just want you to move away, to go away, to leave me, don't hurt me anymore please. Friday, October 08, 2004i'm wondering why people now are so tired and worn out when exams are yet to come(referring to o'levels btw), i wonder why sisterhood nowadays seem so insignificant, i'm wondering why families nowadays seem so torn apart, i wonder where all the true family love has flown off to, will it ever come back?i know many friends of mine hate their sisters, well i can't say i love mine, but ya, i find it so annoying when people keep saying how mean they were to their sisters, don't they feel guilty at all? people in the past confided most in their sisters, just like jane and elizabeth in pride and prejudice, when can we ever go back then again, where sisterly love was placed a top priority, where families were the ones who lasted forever, when can we truly appreciate our families again? they may not always be there, especially not with our deepest most problems, but they're definitely there in their very little ways, but who sees that? who can truly say they understand how their parents feel and think and appreciate it? who will bravely stand and protect your family in times of danger? who will love your family regardless of what they have done to you, who will truly say, "i truly deeply love my family with all my heart". reading books of the past make me really envious, envious of the simplicity of life and more importantly, that love that's spread so widely within families. we may feel that our parents have done us wrong, but let me tell you, they do no wrong, they only do what they feel is best for us, and it's true, put yourself in their shoes, think about their feelings. No parent will give birth to a child they don't want, no mother will go through all those pain to bear a child and send that child to his/her grave. They only want what's best for us and our future ahead, but how many of us actually realise that? we all take things for granted and we never cherish them, but how long do we need to cherish them? must something happen to them then only will we know how much they mean to us? Siblings may be irritating, true enough, but inside, they do care. I always put a very evil front in front of my siblings, so i suppose they don't really like me, but i have cried many a times because of the things they say which hurt me so deeply. those words cut me so deep i can't even rebut but i can only sit and blame myself for not being a good enough sister to teach them sensitivity. i blame myself for how my sister is now, when i think back, i think i ought to be killed for all those mean stuff i've done. now, it's too late, i can't turn back time, but i'm doing all i can to undo my wrongdoings. when will you all start? start forgiving, and learn to love. don't care how they can be such irritants or how much you detest them at times, treat them as a part of you, the way you treat your friends, give them the example of how a good person should be like, don't wait, start now before it's too late. //i wonder why you keep thinking i'm angry with you, i'm not!. honest! =) there is absolutely no reason at all for me to get angry at you so why should i, well unless you did something behind my back which i'm certain you didn't, so worry not ya... just concentrate on studying, we've all got to. don't push yourself too much, pace it out. don't think staying up late for a night will work miracles, no way, it's gotta take constant practise. so just pace yourself ya... well just to reassure you that i'm NOT angry with you, but ya, hope you've read my entry and learn and try with whatever littlest energy you have to try and love you sis. i hate to say this but i feel you oughta have stand up for your sis in you blog, i mean after all, she's your sis, you can be oblivious to anything that's happening to everyone else, but you can't ignore what's happening to your family, even if you hate them... okay? so i hope to see you and your sis closer together ya... well, that's all... tc!// Friday, October 01, 2004okay, i'm back again, but i suppose, this time more myself... i'm glad no one's too affected by my last entry, though i doubt anyone read it, but don't bother reading it! haha... it was crap...so anyway, mrs heng announced today that 32 pple in my class manage to make it into the 1st 3 months for jc... or at least they got the results to get in, and it so happened i was one of those who couldn't. i cried again today... well not really, basically just teared... you know, i was reflecting on my past entry, at the same time, counselling si hui, and i realised how selfish i am... in the whole entry, i could basically only see the emphasis on the "I" and nothing else... just how self-centered can i get? i shall practise what i preached and that is to put all my troubles aside and think on the line of having people in a worse of state than me and needing the comfort much more than me, and so, i have no right to think about myself. for those who feel they're at the bottomless pit, try thinking along this line, and you'll find yourself facing the situation is a totally different light, but i suppose that'll only work if you're truly determined not to self-pity... from this year, i learnt many life lessons, of which one is to really "look on the bright side of life". the real meaning of having to be optimisstic even at the worst situation, having to be strong in front of others when you're actually hurting. but this isn't bottling everything up, but it's simply not showing any signs of despair in order not to worry others... well that's for me... i don't know bout the rest, but i believe we all live my our principles and i firnly believe in mine.... no matter what happens, i'll always try to live according to my principles and i'm ever more determined to work harder to please my parent's and most of all, my future... well for those who are in the same state i'm in, fret not, there are many who feels the way we do, so let's all work hard together and produce results so great it'll take the teachers by surprise, alright? and for my dear friend whose feeling so tired and drained, just remember there's always a turning point to everything, and i'm sure yours will come soon... so don't give up... well that's all i've got today, take care all! |